Weddings and their coordinators

This past weekend I did some traveling to be in the wedding of two of my best friends. I could tell stories about these two and their relationship...but suffice to say there was some really funny drama with these two over the past two years. And the wedding was absolutley wonderful. The mass was gorgeous, and the two of them are going to make the sort of Catholic couple that makes a beautiful witness to our world.

That being said, I want to discuss the phenomenon of the Catholic "wedding coordinator." I know in some areas this is becoming a larger "ministry," mainly due to the unavailability of priests. This parish certainly qualified...there was one priest that was covering two churches over a large area. So to coordinate the details of the wedding mass and rehersal, the parish has a group of people that the couple pays (and not an insignificant amount of money) to coordinate everything. It's a growing ministry in the sense that there are not enough vocations for priests to handle all of these details.

Now, my friends had said to me previously that they were irritated with these two women during the process, and I quickly grew to understand why at the rehersal. Now, we've all seen/been to/participated in weddings, right? How hard is it to tell the wedding party "this is how you walk down?" This was indicative of what I saw the focus as - on the "production" and not on the sacrament itself. But there were two things that happened that really, really didn't sit well with me.

They're walking through the rehersal, briefly referencing the different parts (I should point out that about half the people at the rehersal either were not practicing or not Catholic). They blow through the Liturgy of the Word, mention in passing what happens during the consecration, then say "Then we'll have communion, and after that the nuptial blessing." I raised my eyebrow, because obviously that wasn't right. The two coordinators look at each other and ask if that's right. They go back and forth for about five minutes, which is about the max I was able to hold my tounge. I tell them very plainly that no, the blessing takes place after the Our Father and before the Lamb of God. They shoot me a dirty look like "what do you know? we're the ones getting paid." They continue to talk, and I repeat myself. Finally, the couple calls our seminarian friend that was in the Mass, and he tells them the same thing I did. They pause, and say "OK, I guess that's how it goes. This is the first time we've had a wedding where we've had a full Mass."

Two points on that - first, if you have lay people doing preparation for the ceremony, they should be well versed in the liturgical rite. This should be a no brainer - how are they going to help prepare people for the Mass if they're not properly prepared themselves? It's the same principle they drill into our heads doing youth ministry - you can't give what you don't have. And this is going to come into play in a moment. The second point to make here is how sad of a statement that last sentence is. I'm hoping they weren't serious - they've never done a marriage that includes the Mass? I understand these two aren't the only two who help out with this ministry...but still! Shouldn't the law of averages catch up with them eventually? Assuming they're like most parishes that have at least one wedding a weekend...never had a full Mass? I'm not sure what that's a commentary on - the parish itself, the preparation the couple's are receiving for marriage, or the fact that the environment in the area is such that two Catholics generally don't frequently get married? Whatever it is, it's a really disappointing statement to hear from those doing the rehersal and planning prep.

So the rehersal continues on, and they're getting the wedding party ready for the final blessing. They go through that, then mention that this is the poing where they are to kiss. The woman proceeds to say "Sometimes the priest forgets to say something, and this is the most important part, the part that everyone has been waiting for, so if he doesn't say anything, just go for it."

My friend that was in the wedding that was on Core with me back in Ohio leans back and whispers, "Most important part, eh?" This pretty much confirmed to me what I had suspected - there was no concept of the sacramentality of the day. It was a routine to go through, and production to be managed. The kiss is the most important part of the wedding ceremony? Given that, at this point, not 5 minutes before we've received Christ in the Eucharist, this was a staggering statement. Given that we've celebrated two Sacraments that day, if the kiss is the most important part, there these two had a serious deficiency in understanding exactly what marriage means in the Catholic Church.

I'm not trying to nitpick here. As I've said before, I've got a thing for liturgical correctness, and understanding why it's correct. With my two friends, thankfully they are as serious as young Catholics as you are likely to find, so such an instruction and comment means nothing to them - they'll ignore it. I keep thinking about the other people they're going to help through their wedding. What are they communicating about the importance of the ceremonies by presenting it in this manner. Again, you can't give to people what you don't have. If you don't have an understanding of what is the really important stuff happening in the Wedding Mass, how are you going to impart that to anyone who is there, particularly help the non-Catholics in attendence understand?

There were some other little things that happened that didn't sit well with me, but they all kept coming back to the same point - a lack of formation, catechesis and preparation for the ministry that they were performing. If there are any priests that read this, I beg you, if you have any lay parishioners that are helping out in this manner with wedding prep, please please PLEASE make sure they are properly prepared for the ministry they are performing. It does a great disservice to the couple, the parish, and everyone involved to have poorly catechized people taking some sort of point on things (particularly if their services must be paid for).